Sunday, February 12, 2012
What a Timely Wake up call...
What a timely wake up call.
It takes hard work to have what i am enjoying now.
Sometimes i forget
i've forgotten for a long time.
What a timely reminder.
It's time to work hard again.
To fight for my future.
Clara
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Oh gosh. I really should'nt be blogging, I really shouldn't.
But I need to clear my head. Literally and figuratively.
My head is throbbing now, which I would like to say is deterring me from doing my readings- or doing anything AT ALL. I've got no idea why but it's been like that for quite awhile... PMS and throbbing headache one week before.
And then there are a whole lot of things... I've got so much to tell you.
A few weeks ago i realised in horror, that i am graduating soon. The college life that i've been wanting to be part of for so long... it's ending before i can enjoy it. Soon i will be out in the working world fending for myself and carrying the weight of the world on my shouders- if i haven't already been carrying half the load now.
And so i've been asking myself- was this the college life i saw myself having when i was 16? Am i living the college life i was dreaming about when i was 18?
Yes and no.
Yes, i've been challenged intellectually, and i've gone overseas or a short while... i don't have to pay for my fees, i'm guaranteed a job when i graduate, i'm studying what i love, i'm living in a fairly good and exciting place.
No, most of the time i'm stressed out, most of the time im rushing for one deadline or the other, most of the time i feel stupid in class, most of the time i feel SO SO guilty not giving my best in CCA or in class.
I still don't go out during the semester. No movies, no dates, no shopping, no nice lunches/dinners.
Then i ask myself, wtf am i doing. so what if i can graduate with a first class but i've got no social life at all.
Then sometimes I ask myself .... heck.. i cant even get a first class, why should i have the right to play
Most of the times i've been oscillating towards these two states.
Admittedly i've been slacking away these few weeks. While i am questioning the state of my college life my other friends are slogging away doing work. OR worse ... they seemed to be balancing their social life and their school work perfectly.
Sometimes i ask myself why.
What do i really want?
Do i deserve it?
Clara
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Is that how it feels?
I can't believe I am blogging on the eve of what's to be the second week of school.
But I just can't comprehend what's bubbling inside me now.
Why are things always so complicated? Is that how it feels, to have lost when you didn't even own anything in the first place?
I guess that is the pain that is more difficult to endure than when you've loved and lost.
So many things, so much words, unspoken.
Yet, we're all struggling because we all know they are true, working tirelessly like clockwork behind the veil.
Clara
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011... My adult world.
It's since become a tradition for me to sit on my desk to type the last post of the year. I started this blog when I was 15, and now i'm 21. Time sure flies. When I was 15, I would be on msn and everyone will be wishing each other Happy New Year, and I would be chatting with people while blogging at the same time. Now, 7 years later, I am no longer on msn, and while most of my friends are downtown at some party waiting to count down to the new year, the same old brand new me is still sitting here preparing to blog the year away...
Time flies. Some things change. Some don't.
Well, 2011 has been such a year. Within this one year i've lived halfway around the globe, met many people, and did many things I didn't think I would ever get to do. When I came back to what I call my home country, many thing has changed as well. And all these made me change. . .
SEP
Oh wow. It is still difficult for me to imagine its already half a year since i've been back. I guess surreal is the word to describe my SEP experience. Three years ago, when I was 18 I went on a school trip without my parents to a foreign land. Never can I image that three years later, when I am 21 I would trod the streets of London alone, with such solitude and confidence and exhilaration. Living away from home was tough. But most of the times it's not being homesick. It's having things that you took for granted being taken away from you, and you don't know just so how important these things are until you lost them. Your freedom to make small decisions. Your loved ones. Being the majority race in your country. Living in a country you have citizenship rights.
I've always seen pictures and postcards. And I thought places only look good in postcards. This year I had the opportunity to see for myself that these places do exist in real-life... not just in pictures. Sometimes when I am walking the streets or sitting in a cafe in Rome, London, Amsterdam, Hamburg, or Athens... I was even afraid that I am dreaming, and sometimes I even asked myself if I deserved all these at all.
During exchange I discovered more about myself. I discovered more about my friends. And I even got to meet new friends...and friends I thought I would never meet again.
During exchange I have a fresh perspective on what is Home. The UK will always have a special place in my heart.
TEACHING ATTACHMENT
I am deliberating on whether to include this. Nothing fantastic happened to me, except that I met four very awesome people and am glad to share my experience with them. Here's to eunice, aloy, yinxi and haur sheng =) (except they wont ever read this)
CINNAMON COLLEGE
Life came and past in a whirl after exchange. I moved into Utown and experienced what it is like to live on campus in singapore for the first time. No en-suite toilets, no toilet papers, noises, but I could pad downstairs ten minutes before my lessons. The rent is expensive. The food is expensive. Sometimes the food is boring. But I could sit there to people-watch. I could sit there talking to strangers (some of whom became my friends) from different faculties, and even different continents. I could sit there talking to an artist. Or my professor. It was refreshing.
It has been a trying semester, but I survived. And I've learnt that I should count my blessings.
FRIENDS
2011, I'm an adult. And in this adult world I learnt that the human condition is quite scary. Things change, people change. But I'm glad that there are still people I could count on. And I appreciate and love them for that.
GOALS for 2012
1. Be healthy, so that I can live life to the fullest.
2. Be the best and give 100% in whatever I do, and at the same time, be grateful for whatever I have.
3. Be fit, Slim down and be beautiful.
4. Learn and gain as much knowledge as I can, and have the guts to do so.
5. Be a sincere, honest, responsible individual, and to bring joy to those who are around me.
Clara
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I need closure, hence this post
Ok, this is actually NOT my post to close this blog. But a post I feel i need to type out to clear my mind of a particular issue that has been bothering me for quite awhile ...
Thing is, I've never been hurt so deeply by a person in my whole life before. And that is considering i've been through quite alot as a person in life.
Since I was in secondary school, I told myself not to trust people too much. Although I've got many friends around me, I dont normally reveal much about myself to them.
That was until I met you. You were one of the few people who knew so much about me. Someone I trusted. Someone I clicked really well with. Someone I really, really cared for and regarded as my good friend.
I knew you cared about me. Note the tense, because I am not too sure now. I still get chills whenever I recall your reactions. Your nonchalance. Your disregards.
IN MY FACE.
Do you know, it really seemed as if my heart was jabbed by a knife. A sharp, pointy, glittery knife slicing through me and then being pulled out. Family matters aside, none of my friends made me feel this way before. And that was when I realised just how much our friendships meant.
For a period of time I was self-reproaching and near self-loathing. Because I cannot believe that this is how drastic you've changed. So, if you are not the one who changed, then it is me. I must be a really evil person. I am a bad friend. I am not worthy at all.
And so I thought and thought.
And then I realised that, what drove me to make the call that night, was not a self-righteous act. It was that I truly cared and value our friendship more than anything else. And hence when nobody dared to do anything I thought I will do. I thought the foundations of our friendship was so strong that you would understand my goodwill.
But I was clearly wrong.
But reflecting back, if i've known the consequences, will i still do what i did? My answer is yes. Simply because I know that is what a friend should do. A real friend. A friend who cannot stand any injustice.
And then it started.
For more than three months I was so upset, I daresay it even affected my work. Maybe its just me, i'm just too weak a person to deal with just a broken friendship.
You were once someone so dear to me. Now you're a stranger.
And sometime, not too long ago, after I thought i've learnt to let go, I finally broke down a week before exams. In front of my mother (bless her). I was still hurt.
But I promised that that will be the last time I shed tears for you. Because I have to move on with life, to gain back the confidence, and to be the person I always am.
Because if you don't need me, then other people still do. . . I know I need myself.
The old, bubbly self.
People say that Time can change things, but I cannot change time.
I will let go slowly, but surely. I know I sound like some pathetic sod here, but if there's anything this long blogpost proves, it proves that that friendship was really one that I valued.
I know that I'm stronger than I think.... =)
For the people who've been affected by the moody clara in one way or another - be it you're an old friend of mine, an acquaintance, new friend, or even teacher- I promise that you will get to see the good old awesome clara soon ..
=)
Clara
Sunday, December 18, 2011
i think the worst thing that can happen,
is that you have so much you need to tell
but you cant
and you cant
Clara
if i die young
but i dont want to.
stop it, just stop.
Clara
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Are you okay up there?
If i take away my intelligence, what would be left?
because i never wanted to feel stupid
to feel incompetent.
No, you will never understand.
I was given nothing, barely anything, and i thought being smart and clever was the answer.
But what would be left, really, if my intelligence is taken away?
I can see it fading, slowly.
And that day might come.
It all seemed that it's part of a movie, a show, a novel. whichever you call it.
But it might come.
What if my own mind cannot discern anymore? What if it does not probe anymore? what if it is incapable anymore?
Does it make me incapable too?
Am I a lesser person?
IF you take away my mind, what will be left?
kindness, compassion, and what? Will i be capable of loving anymore?
If you read this in the future,
I want you to know
You are more than what you think you are.
All that taken away,
you still have nearly a pure soul.
Clara
