Ok, this is actually NOT my post to close this blog. But a post I feel i need to type out to clear my mind of a particular issue that has been bothering me for quite awhile ...

Thing is, I've never been hurt so deeply by a person in my whole life before. And that is considering i've been through quite alot as a person in life.

Since I was in secondary school, I told myself not to trust people too much. Although I've got many friends around me, I dont normally reveal much about myself to them.

That was until I met you. You were one of the few people who knew so much about me. Someone I trusted. Someone I clicked really well with. Someone I really, really cared for and regarded as my good friend.

I knew you cared about me. Note the tense, because I am not too sure now. I still get chills whenever I recall your reactions. Your nonchalance. Your disregards.

IN MY FACE.

Do you know, it really seemed as if my heart was jabbed by a knife. A sharp, pointy, glittery knife slicing through me and then being pulled out. Family matters aside, none of my friends made me feel this way before. And that was when I realised just how much our friendships meant.

For a period of time I was self-reproaching and near self-loathing. Because I cannot believe that this is how drastic you've changed. So, if you are not the one who changed, then it is me. I must be a really evil person. I am a bad friend. I am not worthy at all.

And so I thought and thought.

And then I realised that, what drove me to make the call that night, was not a self-righteous act. It was that I truly cared and value our friendship more than anything else. And hence when nobody dared to do anything I thought I will do. I thought the foundations of our friendship was so strong that you would understand my goodwill.

But I was clearly wrong.

But reflecting back, if i've known the consequences, will i still do what i did? My answer is yes. Simply because I know that is what a friend should do. A real friend. A friend who cannot stand any injustice.

And then it started.

For more than three months I was so upset, I daresay it even affected my work. Maybe its just me, i'm just too weak a person to deal with just a broken friendship.

You were once someone so dear to me. Now you're a stranger.

And sometime, not too long ago, after I thought i've learnt to let go, I finally broke down a week before exams. In front of my mother (bless her). I was still hurt.

But I promised that that will be the last time I shed tears for you. Because I have to move on with life, to gain back the confidence, and to be the person I always am.

Because if you don't need me, then other people still do. . . I know I need myself.

The old, bubbly self.

People say that Time can change things, but I cannot change time.

I will let go slowly, but surely. I know I sound like some pathetic sod here, but if there's anything this long blogpost proves, it proves that that friendship was really one that I valued.

I know that I'm stronger than I think.... =)

For the people who've been affected by the moody clara in one way or another - be it you're an old friend of mine, an acquaintance, new friend, or even teacher- I promise that you will get to see the good old awesome clara soon ..

=)



Clara